Orbiting: the Gravitational Pull of Broken Connections

I was at a pub with my boyfriend and friends when I received a "someone_you_dated liked your story" notification. My boyfriend asked if the admirer was a friend, which made me wonder whether my ex-situationship was indeed just a friend appreciating my artsy, scenic picture of a snowy day, or if there was more to this innocent, yet unusual behavior. This wasn’t a one-off situation – he had previously initiated contact over social media, which remained one-sided, by replying to my story a few months ago and liking the story of my Valentine’s Day bouquet – with the latter hinting at a more "I-have-moved-on-and-I-am-happy-for-you" sentiment. Of course, interacting with someone’s story is not unusual per se – I will like stories of sunsets or beloved pets even I am not particularly close to the poster – but my intuition hinted at something that was worth investigating, and so I turned to the internet.

My initial search led me to a term known as "orbiting," coined by Anna Iovine, which originally described a situation where a person whom you were involved with suddenly cuts contact, all the while maintaining their online presence in your life. As with most linguistic matters, the terms we use to describe certain phenomena tend to evolve and now "orbiting" loosely describes a situation where an ex, or someone else from your past, continues to be present in your life, mainly through the online sphere, without engaging in meaningful communication (Travers, 2023). The connection could have ended mutually, and even amicably, but the orbiter’s actions remain the same in the aftermath. A similar term, "paperclipping," was coined by Samantha Rothenberg, who depicted it in a comic on her Instagram page, @violetclair. It illustrates someone unwanted who repeatedly appears in your life unannounced, reminiscent of Microsoft’s Clippy, an office assistant that would pop up out of nowhere and offer useless suggestions. The text on the comic reads, “Sometimes I pop up for no reason at all. Like now…I don’t want you to forget I exist :(."

An important similarity between the two terms is the intention behind the behavior – neither the orbiter nor the paperclipper have any real intention of building or repairing the relationship. In a sense, they are both evanescent creatures – pixies of the haunted woods of modern dating, phantom ships lost in unpredictable waters of passion. Nevertheless, paperclipping involves more direct communication including messaging, while orbiting is characterized by indirect communication, often through observation from a distance. As Iovine puts it, orbiting is when you are "close enough to see each other; far enough never to talk" (Oxford Languages, 2018). Paperclipping is also more manipulative, which introduces a toxic power dynamic. The paperclipper is someone who abandons the relationship and then attempts to keep the abandoned person on the backburner by sending sporadic messages. The relationship dynamic in orbiting, however, does not have to involve abandonment – one can still orbit after a mutual, peaceful breakup. It is also worth noting that orbiting is not exclusive to exes; friends and family members can also engage in orbiting (Davies, 2018).

I have decided to focus my writing on orbiting as it is more relevant to my personal situation. We have discussed the terminology, but we are still missing a significant piece of the puzzle – the drivers of these behaviors. My investigation continued in the messy attic above my shoulders. Have I ever orbited? I’d be lying if I said no. Orbiting seems to be a natural and somewhat innocent behavior given our human tendency for curiosity. As Michelle Crimins, Ph.D., tells NBC News, "as social beings we have very voyeuristic and social tendencies. We are actually wired to gossip, so that part of it is huge. We used to only have tabloids, then reality TV. Now, social media is reality TV for people we know. What’s more salacious than that?" (ibid). I am not a serial orbiter – I am likely to orbit after falling out, but I always orbit from afar without the intention of making up. In fact, I tend to remove exes and ex-friends from my social media once I have fully grieved the loss of the relationship and let go of the memories (yes, I realize this whole article is based on the one exception I’ve made), meaning that I don’t leave myself the chance to orbit even if I am incredibly curious. Akin to cold and distant Neptune, I orbit billions of kilometers away and drift outward with time, defying the pull of curiosity.

Why? It’s simple – I am a perfectionist with very limited mental social space. I find the transition of a romantic relationship to a friendship or a friendship to an acquaintanceship difficult to accept, because the previous dynamic will always be there to haunt the connection. In a sense, the transformed relationship will feel incomplete, and my perfectionist nature will notice it sooner or later. I, of course, understand that social media is a low effort arena – it technically does not cost me anything to be connected online – but social media is also an extension of my social life, and at some point, these fractured, diplomatic relationships will start taking up too much space. As cruel as it sounds, once a relationship loses its original qualities and turns into a ghost of its former self, I am no longer interested in keeping in touch even if that only entails passively watching Sunday brunch stories and whatnot. The notion of out of sight, out of mind rescues me from the noise created by these broken connections.

When it comes to being orbited, I can similarly accept the behavior if it’s within certain bounds. I accept that as humans we are inquisitive beings who discovered the convenience of keeping up with our exes’ lives through a single phone tap. In other words, I think it is naive to expect not to be orbited by other people if you allow access to your social media. The discourse is heavily focused on the orbiter, but we should also investigate the motivations of the “orbitee” for allowing that contact to exist in the first place. Maybe our motivation is an ego boost, maybe it’s a chance to show how well we are doing, or maybe it’s a fickle attempt at maintaining an enticing, yet destructive relationship. Of course, in some cases, the motivation isn’t clearly defined or might, in fact, be innocent – we may see no harm in being connected online, or maybe we would feel unnecessarily cruel cutting someone off for no apparent reason. Regardless, it is important to reflect on your motives before getting caught up in the motivations of others. Put simply, cultivate your own garden, and the weeds might magically disappear.

The diagnosis is final – we orbit because we are still curious, and thus still interested, at least in a friendly way. Where do we go from here? Frankly, I can’t tell you. All friendships, relationships, situationships, and almostships have their own unique dynamic exchange, and prescribing a course of action would be too bold. Nevertheless, we need to admit that orbiting, when done deliberately, is a cruel practice that is damaging to both parties. The energy spent on orbiting a person from your past could be directed at improving your own life. This is especially true if you still have feelings for your ex since orbiting will only exacerbate your interest in someone who is unavailable and prevent true closure. You will be too focused on an illusory connection that you will miss the chance to form a real one. If you were the one to abandon your partner, however, you need to be aware of the responsibility you carry and understand the implications of showing even the slightest interest in someone you are no longer attracted to romantically. Indeed, research shows that orbitees often feel “teased” by the orbiter (Pancani et al., 2021) and experience ambiguity that might stunt their healing (Pancani et al., 2022).

Similarly, the prescription for the orbitee touches the subject of self-preservation and responsibility towards others. As stated, orbiting may hinder closure, meaning that the best course of action is to eliminate ambiguity. The truth is, there would be no ambiguity if the orbiter had a genuine interest in reconciliation. If you are being orbited by someone you abandoned and are no longer interested in, you need to evaluate the orbiter’s motivations and your own reasons for allowing that connection to exist. We need to admit that an ego boost that is born out of someone’s desperation is cruel. You might fear causing more hurt by severing the connection completely, but the damage has already been done. You should not let your ego stand in the way of your kindness. There is cruelty in action, but cruelty that stems from inaction is perhaps the most dangerous kind.

Oh, and if you are wondering about me, I decided to stay true to my tested ways. Initially, I thought about straying from the narrative of removing past connections and leaving the matters as they are, but after he had reached out once more, I felt conflicted. While I doubted the existence of residual feelings – last time we spoke, I was on the brink of entering a new relationship, and he mentioned seeing someone as well – and was certain of his friendly intentions, the possibility of friendship remained far-fetched in my mind. I knew that we could never be friends, because I would be an unwilling friend. Perhaps in a utopia where interactions are frictionless, friendly breakups could lead to friendships, but in this world, I severed the connection completely. Out of sight, out of mind.

Davies, T. (2018) Is someone 'Orbiting' You On Social Media? It May Be Hurting Your Mental Health. Available at: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/someone-orbiting-you-social-media-it-may-be-hurting-your-ncna883721 (Accessed: 3 March 2024).

Oxford Languages (2018) Word of the Year 2018 Shortlist. Available at: https://languages.oup.com/word-of-the-year/2018-shortlist/ (Accessed: 1 March 2024).

Pancani, L., Aureli, N., and Riva, P. (2022). “Relationship dissolution strategies: Comparing the psychological consequences of ghosting, orbiting, and rejection,” Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, Vol. 16, No. 2, Article 9. doi:https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2022-2-9.

Pancani, L., Mazzoni, D., Aureli, N. and Riva, P. (2021). “Ghosting And Orbiting: An Analysis Of Victims' Experiences,” Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Vol. 38, No. 7, pp. 1987-2007.  doi:10.1177/02654075211000417.

Travers, M. (2023) What Does It Mean When An Ex-Love Keeps ‘Orbiting’ You Online? Available at: https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/10/12/what-does-it-mean-when-an-ex-love-keeps-orbiting-you-online/#:~:text=%E2%80%9COrbiting%E2%80%9D%20is%20a%20dating%20trend,without%20engaging%20in%20meaningful%20interaction (Accessed: 10 March 2024).